IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Developing the economy will always damage the environment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#economy #damage #environment
The advancement of technology had the greatest impact on the
environment
 to a great extent. I agree with
this
 statement because many
animals
 are extinct, and it creates the issue of global warming. An increasing lifestyle would have a harmful effect on the
environment
 and cause global warming,
such
 as the utilization of cars. Cars release carbon dioxide from fuels and other greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, and
besides
 air pollution, they
also
 cause noise pollution.
For example
, these days,
demand
Correct article usage
the demand
show examples
 for cars is increasing day by day among individuals, and they prefer their own vehicles
instead
 of public transportation so that they can enjoy the luxurious benefit of adjusting the temperature inside the car.
Thus
, our standard of living has increased with these new inventions, but we are creating problems for our ecosystem.
Moreover
, the extinction of
animals
 is more prevalent now because of deforestation. In terms of building more industries and houses, there is a need to cut down trees to clear the land, which means many
animals
 lose their habitats, and some no longer exist.
For instance
, we had a small forest near our village where some
animals
 were living, but after the construction of industries, we
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 no longer able to see them.
In addition
, trees help to dissolve the carbon emissions from the atmosphere, but by cutting down trees, we put our ecosystem in danger. In conclusion, technology
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 a major impact on our
environment
, which causes global warming in order to make our lives more comfortable. Balancing economic growth with environmental protection is essential to minimize harm to the
environment
while
 supporting human prosperity.
Submitted by AP on

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Content and Argumentation
To strengthen your essay, consider expanding on the implications of your examples, illustrating how they specifically support your argument on the relationship between economic development and environmental damage. This will deepen your analysis and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the issue from your perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay is well-structured, using a wider range of linking words and phrases could improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This would enhance the coherence of your text.
Task Response
In addressing the prompt, ensure your position is clearly stated in the introduction and consistently maintained throughout the essay. Although you've done well in this regard, further emphasizing your stance in the conclusion could make your argument more impactful.
Use of Examples
Your examples, such as the impact of cars on global warming and deforestation affecting animal habitats, effectively support your argument and are relevant to the topic.
Essay Structure
The structure of your essay, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs focusing on specific points, and a conclusive conclusion, aids in delivering your argument effectively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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