IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

#people #money #factor #hapiness
Individuals have different views about whether
money
 is a major determinant of being happy or whether
money
 and happiness are not related to each other. In
this
 essay, I am going to explain both groups' ideas. On the one hand, it is generally acknowledged that people have a sense of comfort when they are wealthy enough to provide whatever they need.
Thus
, they do not need to be worried about the cost of their needs.
Additionally
, a very significant impact of
money
 is the affordability of travel to desirable destinations which is everyone's dream.
This
 adds diversity to the states' lives and prevents depression which is completely
in contrast
 with happiness. A case in point is Ali Daei's family who are one of the most well-off families in our country and they can easily achieve their wishes
as a result
 of being rich.
On the other hand
, there is ample evidence that having a considerable amount of
money
 without health will not prepare a happy life. Those who are suffering from chronic diseases can not enjoy their
money
 unless they improve.
Furthermore
, human beings need each other to feel happy; meaning a beloved family and some close friends who spend their spare time together. Without these relations, individuals no longer will live happily, even though they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 extremely wealthy.
For instance
, some movies have shown these kinds of people who have annoying lives, despite being well-off.
To conclude
,
although
 some consider that being rich plays a striking role in bringing happiness to people's lives, it is self-evident that to feel happy
money
 is necessary but not enough.
Submitted by keyhan454 on

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Task Achievement
To enhance your score further, try to integrate more specific examples that are universally recognizable, rather than relying on examples that may not be familiar to all readers.
Task Achievement
Remember to develop your main points more fully. Elaborate on your ideas with more detailed explanations or additional examples to strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing techniques to enhance the logical flow of your essay, which will improve the reader's ability to follow your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've managed to present a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frames your essay.
Task Achievement
Your essay shows a good understanding of the topic, providing a balanced discussion of both views on money and happiness.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • personal growth
  • mindset
  • self-worth
  • social status
  • philanthropy
  • well-being
  • experiences
  • generosity
  • fulfilling
  • reduces stress
  • escalate
  • acquiring wealth
  • sense of security
  • comparative wealth
  • excessive focus
  • leisure activities
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